|This year was a fresh start for myself, I set my intention that I wanted to fall totally in love with myself. This journey for the last nine months has been anything but what you may expect. |
I set out on this adventure January 2018, and it was clear that I truly lived and breathed for everyone around me, except for myself. I read a short part out of a book a few years ago that really struck my deepest parts of me. It was a story about a woman who everyday set out in her life taking care of everyone else, day in and day out. One day she became ill, but she still had the demands of taking care of everyone else. The story ends up with her coming into a realization that if she took care of herself along the way, she would be in a healthy place. This story continued to come to my mind. As I began to take a deeper look into myself. I was much like her, I had no idea what that would look like, or even what the smallest step would be to begin to move forward.
I was invited to participate in a beta testing group from a woman, that is just a beautiful soul. This was the start of my adventure, I was taking a stand and doing what I needed for myself, I took a class on manifesting. It was such an awesome place to begin. I had no idea of how to start something that felt so foreign. I first had to identify all the things I saw when I looked at myself that I wanted to let go. WOW, did I learn that I had some pretty harsh expectations, from performing perfectly, being everything to everyone, and realizing that I was ending in a deep black pit of destructive webs all around me. This reflected back to me that in order to truly ever be an honest truthful inspiration to woman by the millions I first had to recognize that I wore many masks. I was blinded by destructive mindsets that limited my vision to truly see. I had some vices that were allowing me to escape from the true reality of my emotions. The hardest reality I had to face is recognizing the needs that I have, and allowing myself to be fulfilled. I was surviving in life, but I was not thriving.
I sat in front of the mirror and looked deep within my eyes. I need to get connected to the woman I was. I do this often to seek the depths of who I truly am. I am not the labels I wear, I am a beautiful soul on a journey sharing love and acceptance where ever I go. One of the biggest opportunities that I have come into is being honest about who I am. If you cannot be honest with those who are in your intimate circle, I would question yourself why you keep them there? I solely relied upon the acceptance of those around me to decide if I was truly accepted. I took back the power of that truth to decide from within. When hard situations arise, I question myself from within, and whatever emotions come up I allow them too. I am embracing those small details that I stuffed deep down inside of myself. I let them rise up boldly, on the other side of those is a a new understanding. I am coming to understand I am not my emotions, my emotions are a sign of intimacy going on inside of myself. They are not navigating who I am, they are informing me that somewhere connected to whatever emotion rising up is a pathway that I take in my process of decision making.
One area that I have taken time to identify was my eating habits. When I looked into the mirror, I reflected back hate for myself. I sabotage my well being with food. When I was happy I rewarded myself with a quick stop to my favorite donut shop even though I needed a gluten free diet, what will one donut do. Well that one donut was once a week times two or three donuts times fifty two weeks. Or when I would be so upset and angry that something in my life was not going the way I wanted or “needed” it to, I would get 3 king sized candy bars to sweeten the load on my shoulders. I feed myself based off of my emotions, I was barley surviving. I was on my way of becoming a diabetic. My idea of exercising was walking to the end of my drive way. As I focused on loving myself, I had to remove this mask. I had to find the ability inside of myself to love the person I was. I started honoring my body, waking up in the morning and saying Hello Beautiful. I started working with a coach on my diet and exercise plan. I went back to the doctors and my numbers are in such a great place, he asked what did you do. My response was, I began to love myself.
This is just the beginning of my journey, the leaps and bounds I have made are truly amazing. I have challenged myself to dig deep and rise above, to feel and to let go. I will leave you with this, “Your mind will give up before your body ever will”. My mind is the challenge, and I am up for the competition, I am dying to the ego, and trusting my soul.